“Kill me now.”

“Interesting” day. Emotional day. “One of those kind of days.” All words to describe this day. Maybe I could go as far as saying I didn’t like today too much. Went to the library and man, they don’t make librarians how they used to! What happened to horn-rimmed glasses, turtle necks, snoopy vests, and a warm smile? Sorry to all you librarians out there Anyways, I tried to get a library card, but apparently I’m one of those “complicated situations” that are what heartburn, anxiety attacks, and frustrating venting to a friend or spouse after work are all about. The situation itself really wasn’t that complicated. I, an out of county resident, needed a card. Add a line full of people trying to check out books, 3 people with questions, 1 woman who needed 5 sheets of plain paper, and only a few librarians to take care of all of that…I guess I could see the stressful nature of the situation. As I was being assisted in getting a library card, I was abandoned at least 5 times for more urgent matters. But i sat there patiently. Helped a brother out in the mean time. You would’ve thought I gave him a million dollars, but it was just $1 to replace his library card, but he was still so excited! He was surprised there were still “nice people in the world.” I think the librarian thought I was just trying to do a good deed to show her that I deserved a library card despite my status as a foreigner. Anyways, finally mrs. librarian comes back and is trying to figure out my situation and just says, “Kill me now.” How shattering to me, young naive former librarian lover, who thought all librarians were made of sugar and spice and everything nice. No, I kid, I kid. But just a little story for you guys.

So I had a moment of fear and realization today. I was talking to my dad on skype and he was going on and on about cold water, rivers, and the Pacific Ocean and jokingly I said to him, “Dad! You’re torturing me. Just stop talking…” Completely in a joking matter, still not the best thing to say. All of a sudden, his face freezes and the call drops. My internet was gone and I didn’t really think too much of it. I was talking to another friend at the time and I told her what I said and I was kind of laughing about it. Her reaction surprised me when she said that she would never say that to her father, even if it was a joke. She said you never know what your last words are going to be. And I stopped for a minute. In my head I imagined that if my dad had just died at that moment, how long would I regret my last words to him? You’re torturing me! Don’t talk anymore! How long would those words echo in my heart and my mind…how long would they haunt me? How many things did I want to tell him, but never got to? Guilt washed over me at that moment and I called him just to hear his voice and make sure he was still alive. Silly, I know, but still a very real moment of panic. Very few moments have I grasped how precious my family is to me as that.

I’ve been thinking about family so much lately. It has been the one thing that is most important to me in really embracing this 30 day challenge, and yet I have neglected it the most out of everything. What is it that is so hard about telling your family how you really feel about them? Showing them how much they mean to you, exchanging bitterness for forgiveness and busyness for hugs and words of love. I called my brother today. I had made a personal vow that I would never speak to him again unless he contacted me, but I have started feeling this week that my decision may not be the best one. I called him today, figuring he wouldn’t answer…and he didn’t. But I left him a voicemail. I don’t know what will happen, but I do know that if I never see him or his family again it will not be because I didn’t try. If he forever hates me it will not be because I didn’t try to make peace. If I find it in my heart to love and forgive him it will not be because he came to me and did it first.

I hope that you will see my heart behind this all. I don’t want you to think it’s okay to wait. It is not okay to wait! You are not guaranteed tomorrow. If you were to die tonight, can you rest assured that you have taken care of all the loose strings…dotted your i’s, crossed your t’s? Who have you neglected to tell you love? Who has been denied the privilege of accepting your apology? Please be careful with how you talk to the ones you love. And everyone for that matter. You will regret it one day.

Living life…

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